What I Regret
by klcm
Summary: Penelope only now regrets the things in her life, when all seems too late.
1. What I Regret

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own Criminal Minds

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Penelope frowned again, she knew she shouldn't be feeling like this, it was Derek Morgan, the biggest player she knew, he grabbed women, ate them for dinner and spat them out again. She felt the jealousy rage in her, bouncing off every cell of her being, irritating her, scouring her, torturing her for what she would never have. She would have forgotten about it if she still had Kevin to turn over to, to cuddle in the night, when her mind wouldn't switch off and leave her what little sanity she had left. Except Kevin left, he had a better offer, another job offer that this time he felt was of higher importance to take than the one before, and he didn't tell her until the job was his, so she couldn't interfere and make the job just- well, disappear.

She paced again, she couldn't let this one emotion overrule her and ruin what tatters of a friendship she had left with Derek. She needed to cling onto that, cling onto him, or what little right she had left to cling onto him.

She went into the bathroom, she turned the shower on, placing it on cold, she stripped and her hand brushed over the scar on her side; that had been the beginning of the end really. Her mind paced back to waking up in the hospital, she knew that they would never be able to recover from that. He had put his thoughts out there loud and clear and she had momentarily hated him, her mind then flashed to her laying on the stairs outside the very apartment she was in, how she had lain there praying that Derek would just miraculously turn up and take her hand and take her away from it all, but he didn't because she hadn't trusted her gut and in turn she had gotten hurt just to spite him.

Then came Kevin, admittedly a train wreck of its own, yet she had held onto him, in hope that he was her other half. The one that makes her whole but he wasn't and even if she had tried to make him fit, she'd have been living a lie.

She snapped back into reality looked at the scar she wore permanently, a permanent memory that would forever lead to Derek Morgan. There was no getting away from it, he was on her, he was in her. She got in the shower, did the following rituals of washing and then climbing out pulled a towel protectively around her.

She dressed for bed, ignoring the multiple voicemails begging to be played and climbed into bed. Tomorrow she'd have to show her resolve, laugh on cue, smile when necessary, joke when the tension grew and be Penelope Garcia, everyone's pick me up. The last thought to cross her mind was that no one was here pick me up, she had to do that all on her own.

She literally threw the alarm the next morning, she rolled out of bed, her head still whizzing with thoughts of Derek waking up in bed with the luscious long legged Andrea. As she was making breakfast her head moved to what would occur tonight, after a daylong of the loved up Agent Morgan, she had to sit and watch as he and his new girl played, and teased, and lapped up their new found love. She knew she'd be asked about Kevin, they didn't need to know that he had given her the boot because a job was just so much better than a woman that he professed love for.

All the good men are taken; either that or they're murderers and the other ones just use and abuse in their own styles. Why couldn't she just be one of those women that took the good guys before everyone else she wondered? Her thoughts continued as she grabbed her keys, her purse, her coffee and then she made a plan. If tonight turned sickening, she could play on a sudden onset illness. That way she could just disappear back to her sanctuary, lock the door, curl up and die for the night watching junk on the television and be done with another day. Plus tonight was Friday, she didn't need to technically leave until Monday morning, so she would busy herself and push the green eyed monster as far from her thoughts as possible.

Except walking into work, it raised its ugly head again. There was Andrea, with Derek and Emily having a joke, having fun, she turned on her heels and rushed to her office, praying he hadn't seen her and after a few minutes, she regained her composure, gained her rhythmic breathing and got on. Him not turning up at her door meant he did not notice her, that proved she was of less importance in someone else's life. Usually he watched her in the morning, usually he'd go to her office, usually didn't happen anymore. She wasn't a forethought to him anymore, and she supposed she deserved that, she did go off with Kevin, but what was she suppose to do? He'd never love her unequivocally, like she did him.

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**A/N:** So I am unsure if to keep this strictly as a Oneshot or continue.... SO let me know what you think and I'll see if my muse will come home for cookies and work its butt off!!

Hope you liked!


	2. Why I Feel This

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own Criminal Minds

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Sitting in the bar that night was reasonably okay, no one asked questions, they just sat and drank in their own little worlds. Penelope was fully aware that Andrea's eyes were firmly on her from time to time and that unnerved her a bit but she relaxed when after an hour no one asked her about Kevin's whereabouts. Oh how wrong she was to let that wall drop.

'So Garcia where's Lynch tonight?' Rossi asked politely, swirling the scotch around in his glass.

'He's working late.' She replied almost instantaneously.

'Again? He seems to be doing that a lot lately.' JJ dropped in a little miffed.

'He wants to get some more money in, pay off his student bills and stuff.' She replied, lying through her teeth. 'Next time.' She said and smiled slightly before sipping at her drink.

'Maybe we should give him a call, tell him to join us after.'

'No, he'll be tired.'

'Pen...'

'It's okay.' Penelope replied sweetly. 'I'll see him later; I'll let him know you wanted him here.'

'Okay... well come on then Prentiss lets go bust a move.' Hotch said taking Emily's hand and dragging her to the already packed dance floor.

'And you Reid.' JJ said with a smile and Reid eagerly complied and followed.

'How about you baby? Wanna dance?' Derek asked Andrea as she finished up a sip of her drink.

'Sure thing stud.' She replied as her lips curled into a joyous smile and she led him to the floor sharply.

'You don't want to dance Rossi?' Penelope asked as Rossi remained unmoved, much like she felt.

'Not my cup of tea... so you going to tell me what's happening with Lynch?' Rossi said and saw Penelope gawp in the half light. 'You've become awfully withdrawn and quiet on us all Garcia.'

'It's nothing.' Penelope said softly and quietly used her drink as a distraction, taking small sips from it hastily.

'It's something to be nothing.'

'It honestly doesn't matter.' She said back and watched as Andrea snaked herself around Derek's body, her mind pacing, her heart pulling tight with those jealous feelings. She watched Derek laugh with affection, with lust and she felt nauseated. 'I'm going to head home.'

'Why?'

'I don't feel great.'

'Garcia.' Rossi warned as she stood up grabbing her purse.

'Just tell them to enjoy their evening and I'll see them bright and early Monday morning.'

'Come on stay a bit longer, its only coming up 9.'

'No, I just want to go home and wait for Kevin.' She lied again but was awarded with a nod that allowed her to sneak out of the bar. She left and immediately caught the first cab she could hail. She then just got in and went home.

Derek grabbed Andrea's hand and led her back to the table, his frowned, his eyebrows knitting together as he found only Rossi. 'Where's Garcia?'

'She headed off home, she wasn't feeling great.'

'Is she okay? Maybe I should pop by.'

'No need Derek, she said she's going to go home and wait on Kevin to go home. She's got it all covered.' He then saw Derek slump on the chair, no attention on Andrea, all of his attention on Penelope's near empty glass.

Penelope had rendered herself responsible for any actions she did in her life from here on out, and once she was in her apartment, the alarm went on, the lights off and in the bath she went, she let the hot water loosen her tensed up muscles and then climbed out, on autopilot she dried and dressed and then got into bed. Pulling the quilt up higher than necessary she hid and welcomed the night.

Penelope opened her eyes to hear his voice speaking to her. 'You need some rest.' Derek spoke to her softly and unmoved.

'You're right. Go. Be free my love.' She said almost automatically, she hugged his god like body and then separated, feeling a huge dose of déjà vu settling over her.

'Hey, I'm not going anywhere.' He said and her mind swam and she skipped some moments that she knew happened after, her lips curled into a sweet ingenious smile.

'Hey silly girl.' He spoke, now behind her and she spun around to look at him. 'You know I love you right?'

She smiled harder at that point. 'I love you too.' She spoke those four little words and then shot up in bed, it wasn't real, it was a tortuous dream of the past. She looked at the clock, 4:27am, she fell back and rendered the sleep, she had 2 days to herself, how much more harm could her unconscious play on her?

Come Monday morning everyone near enough slumped into work, the idea of work not a front runner for motivation. They all took to their desks and did the paper work that needed filling.

'How was your weekend kid?' Derek asked Reid as he sat down with a fresh cup of coffee. 'Get up to much?'

'Just hung out with JJ that was about it. How about yours?'

'Spent Saturday with Andrea, then took her to the airport yesterday, she's going to her parents for a week or so.'

'Not going with her?'

'Nope... next time.' Derek said with a smile on his face and then looked to see Penelope as she pushed through the glass door to the bullpen, she looked a little less like their Penelope Garcia than usually but he didn't want to pry. 'Morning baby girl.' He saw her jump and dropped the few files in her hand. He heard her swear and jumped up to help her. 'I've got it goddess.'

'It's okay Derek, really.' She said as she worked hastily to gather the files together. 'See got it.' They stood up and she looked at him, giving him a small smile.

'Everything okay?' Derek asked curiously. 'You seem a little bit like you're off with the fairies.'

'I'm fine... really... lack of sleep.'

'Kevin keeping you up?' He teased and flashed her a smile that she realised burnt to look at now.

'Yeah I suppose he is.' Penelope said a little unconvinced that she had just agreed with him on that stance of her life. 'Right I've got your files; got anything else you need me to look up?'

Derek frowned at her and her attitude that was so alien for the pair of them, or the for the team, he saw she wasn't in any mood to have a heart to heart with her later. 'Nothing to look up.' He said taking the files off her.

'Okay well if you need me just call or whatever.'

'Pen... will you go to lunch with me?'

'What no lunch date with Andrea?' She asked a little miffed.

'She's gone to her parents for a bit.' He saw Penelope hesitate. 'Come on, one lunch?'

'It's okay Derek, Kevin's asked to go out.' She lied again, but she really didn't like to be a second thought when he had no one else to go out with. If she had to admit that hurt her more.

'Oh okay... well if he cancels, then you know where I am.' Derek decidedly hurt by her reaction. 'I feel we need a chat.'

'Oh?'

'But if you have plans then no worries.'

'Okay.' Penelope said and putting her head down slightly she walked back to her office, her emotions ranging anger, sadness and then shockingly jealousy crept in. What did she have to be jealous of? Andrea wasn't even in the same state. Then it clicked. Everyone had someone and here she was having to lie about still having someone to turn to in her darkest hours.


	3. How To Change This

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own Criminal Minds

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It had been a week and Penelope felt herself getting lost in the webs of lies and deceit. She literally yearned to stay in her office and not be disturbed but when a case called she had to go to the briefing. Admittedly feeling worse for wear, physically and mentally, she grabbed her laptop and note book and followed Derek to the conference room, she took her sit silently and posed the pen ready to write.

Nearing 20 minutes later she was dismissed with the others, they didn't have to pack and up leave, the case was nearby. She waited for her laptop to shut down before moving but someone sat next to her.

'Sir... something you need?' She asked as she looked to see Hotch.

'Why the lies?'

'Excuse me?' She asked a little taken back.

'Lynch got a new job, he hasn't worked for anyone in this building for nearly 2 months, a couple of days before we got introductions with Andrea's.'

'It doesn't matter.'

'Garcia why the lies?' Hotch pushed again. 'It isn't like you to withhold this type of stuff, so why?'

She sighed heavily. 'He left me because the job was better.' She said tearfully as for once she had to tell someone how broken and cut up she felt about it all. 'He didn't even ask me to go with him.'

'Penelope.' Hotch said softly. 'You should've told one of us.'

'What was there to tell? It's only the story of my life.' She said bitterly as the words soured in her mind. 'He left like everyone does eventually.'

'We haven't left but you shouldn't have lied to us.'

Penelope pulled her glasses off, wiping her tears. 'It's okay Sir, everyone's got better things to hear about than to have a pity party with me.' She sniffed. 'Can we just leave it there?'

'For now... but I will be down to talk to you about it.'

'Why can't you let it lie? Kevin left, he had a better shot at life and obviously saw that I wasn't needed in that life so left... you be happy with Emily, make sure she knows you love her.' She patted his hand on the table. 'Reid will treat JJ right when they both accept what they have and Derek, well he's doing okay with her.' Penelope then grabbed her stuff and stood.

'Andrea, Penelope her name is Andrea.'

'I know.' She said and left, ignoring the looks of worry as she left with red eyes and a sombre look on her face. She left hastily and got on with what she knew to do right now and that was work.

Hotch sat a little dazed at Penelope not being able to say Andrea's name in that sentence. He knew from months of watching Derek look on as Kevin and Penelope developed that he was far from jealous and now Penelope was exhibiting the same emotions, just that she had become more withdrawn, less like her, more like a stranger.

'What's up with Garcia?' Rossi asked, the team looking on from afar as Hotch left the room.

'Nothing.'

'Sure didn't look like nothing, she looked like she'd had a good cry.'

'Stress.' Hotch commented and went into his office, closing the door behind him and he knew immediately that that behaviour would spark even more concern.

Derek not convinced at all left the bullpen unnoticed and walked to Penelope's office, he didn't knock, he just entered and found her working silently, no words left her words as she successfully pulled information apart, her cheeks glistening.

'Baby girl.' He persisted with using the words, feeling the cold shoulder from her as she didn't respond with flirtatious comments and over hauls of nicknames. He saw her jump; her hands wipe her tears and turn with a smile. 'Not going to work Penelope. What's up?'

'Nothing.'

'Don't give me the nothing bullshit. What's up?'

'Stress.'

'Yeah okay... that's what Hotch said, not convincing from him, not convincing from you.' Derek said grabbing a spare chair and sitting on it. 'Now... what's up? I feel we haven't spoken in a while.'

'That's because we haven't.' Penelope told him. 'You've been off having fun.'

'And you?'

'Just ticking along.'

'How's Lynch these days?'

'Fine.' She lied to him again; she'd lost count she had told them Kevin was over working. 'Go on, we've got a case, don't worry about me, I'm perfectly fine. Do your work and get back to Andrea.'

'What's happening to us?' Derek ignored her ploy to get rid of him. 'We're drifting.'

'Life Derek, it steps up and takes over, you have a woman now, you don't need me.'

'What if I do?'

'Don't be ridiculous... Andrea, she's everything you are, I'm the friend. In Andrea you've got a woman you love as well as a permanent best friend.'

'She won't be my best friend, you always will.'

Penelope snorted at that. _'So much so, I've been lying for 2 months.'_ She thought to herself. 'She is, I've hardly marked the ground as worthy of a best friend Derek... so I'll let it be... now go back to work.'

'This is what I mean Penelope... I need to talk to you and you blow me off.' Derek said standing. 'What's wrong with you? I say things and you cover them up with all this stuff that makes you not worthy of anything.' He felt angered now, everything coming to ahead, every time she had blanked him, or ignored his happy comment, or refused to say anything more than a couple of words. 'If being Lynch is going to make you a stranger then I don't know if I want to know the new Penelope Garcia, I want my friend back, my baby girl.'

'Sorry.'

'Are you? Because if you were you'd make a go at changing things, well the old Penelope would. Don't give me the same bullshit that I have a girlfriend that that makes it all okay because if having a girlfriend means that I lose you then I'd gladly change or make different choices.'

'Don't say that... I'm not worth that much risk Derek.' Penelope said in a whisper.

'It's my life but again you bury yourself under imperfections, you make yourself feel not worthy, not us, but you.' Derek said completely frustrated now. 'I've gone with the flow of your relationship with Kevin for over a year now Penelope and if anything I'd say you jealous. You can have a life but no not me. Well I say enough if this is how it's going to be. I have tried for weeks to get you to smile, get you to give me a nickname, get you to speak to us in a huge conversation but you don't accept the help.'

'Fine Derek... if that's how it's going to be... get out! Have a happy life!' She then literally pushed him out of the room, he looked at her with shock, as she asserted more emotion in her voice than she had in the previous weeks and months and then slammed the door, sinking down and letting the tears fall freely.

As the weeks fell by and the case came to close, Penelope and Derek's argument began to eat away at the team; the coldness from both of them when passing information on was a nightmare.

'You going to do anything?' Emily asked Hotch as they walked to the SUV, going back to the bureau.

'What can I do?' Hotch said helpless with one thing in his life for once.

'Bang their heads together?' Emily pondered.

Hotch let out a small laugh. 'If only it were that easy then I really would, believe me I would.'

'I know... now it's been weeks, what's really up with Penelope?'

'Keep it between us.'

'You know I will.' And he knew she was right, secrets between them were kept between them, unless matters caused for them to be shared, Hotch feared this was one of those moments.

'Kevin left her nearly 3 months ago.'

'He did what? Are you serious?'

'Yup, it's seriously affecting her, in the stance that she's probably let it destroy her and Derek's relationship.'

'They'll salvage it, they always do.'

'We'll see.'

'I'll have a word with Derek.' Emily said and went to Derek as he waited next to the second SUV. 'Me and you are riding alone.'

'What? Why?'

'Just get in Morgan; the others are going with Hotch.' He knew not to mess and got in; starting the engine he followed the SUV in front and listened.

'So you and Andrea... is it serious?'

'I don't know Prentiss, why?'

'You and Garcia are suffering from it.'

'No Garcia put herself there; well and truly put herself there.'

'Will you stop for one moment and think about why Penelope might have changed?'

'Because she's being what Lynch wants her to be?'

'But is she? Penelope doesn't change for anyone but herself.' Emily told him and saw his face soften at the thoughts. 'Lynch left her.' She said softly.

'No he didn't... she's been going out with him every day for lunch and she's been dissing us for him.'

'No... she hasn't. He got a job 3 months ago; he didn't want her to go with him.'

'She wouldn't keep that from us.'

'Well maybe once the initial heartbreak weakened slightly she would've told us but then you came along with Andrea. Now I'm not saying it's your fault but think a little on the lines of- salt in the wound.'

'Shit... I was horrible to her Prentiss, all the time she sat there and took it, I told her that she basically plays the victim.'

'Well now can you see why she's gone and changed? Being dumped is one thing but being chucked from a long term relationship for a job where you aren't wanted is going to sting a hell of a lot more.'

'I need to change this.'

'Well only you and Penelope can do that.' Emily told him as he pulled into a parking space and she jumped out and walked towards the doors. Derek knew he had to sort this all out now; he just had to know how to change something he now regretted.


	4. The Regrets

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own Criminal Minds

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Derek rushed passed the others, they knew that whatever Emily had to told him had worked effectively, Hotch wrapped his arm around her and kissed her as a thank you. 'Drinks in about 20 minutes Morgan.' He then called out.

Derek rushed in; skipping the elevators he took the stairs two at a time. When he made it to their floor he headed to her office, knocking lightly and then entered.

'Baby girl.' He said playing with the words was apology.

'What do you want Morgan?' She asked icily, not bothering to turn or make any gesture of a welcome.

'Why didn't you tell us?' He asked a little upset at her secrecy.

'Tell you what?' She asked shocked and gulped praying he wasn't talking about the one thing she had kept.

'About Lynch.'

'Oh.'

'So it is true?' He saw her bite her lip and then pushed. 'Talk to me, I don't want to lose you.'

'Yes he left.' She uttered immediately, not wanting to lose him further from her life.

'Why?'

She knew she had to admit it now. 'Better job, better life, he fell out of love.'

'Pen you should've talked to us.'

'What and ruin the love you lot have going on... it stung as it was, I wasn't going to drag you into my sorry mess.' She told him as she actually looked him in the eyes; he saw the pain in her eyes.

'It still hurts doesn't it?'

'That obvious eh?'

'You've done better jobs at hiding things from us.' He saw a tear fall and his heart clenched at the sight. 'I am so sorry Penelope, for everything I said to you.'

'No don't be, you were right, I play the victim because I can and because it's better than being rejected, so I make myself less appealing to suit the fact that even a geek like Kevin Lynch didn't want me after all.'

'Don't say that.'

'Derek, I will because our argument proved so many things to me and one was that I let the idea that running and hiding from things is going to solve all my problems when it really doesn't yet I'm hell bent on carrying on that way. '

Another knock came from the doorway to see Emily standing there. 'Sorry guys didn't mean to interrupt but we're all leaving now.'

'Leaving where?' Penelope asked intrigued.

'Drinks baby girl.'

'Oh.' She said quietly. 'I don't think I'll...'

'You're coming.' Derek said and turned to Emily. 'She's coming.'

'Okay... and Andrea?'

'She's away again.' Derek told them and got two nods. 'Come on baby girl, we have a lot of catching up to do.' He said as he noticed there was so much more he wanted to ask, so much more he wanted to sort out between them. 'We'll do that over a drink.' Penelope accepted and closed down.

No more than 10 minutes later they were all making their ways to their cars, promising to see each other at the bar car park. As promised they met up again and entered the bar, it was quite empty, Derek thought that was perfect but once they got their drinks it soon filled up and all available tables were taken so he had to wait to talk to Penelope truthfully.

'Baby girl... dance with me?' He asked Penelope as he downed the remainder of her drink. 'Please.'

'How can I resist those eyes eh?' She asked and everyone looked shocked, that was definitely in a Penelope tone. 'Come on then.' She said standing and allowing Derek to lead her to dance floor. The team sat unmoved as they watched her smile occasionally.

'It's good to see that goddess.'

'Derek maybe you should hold off on the nicknames... it's not fair on Andrea.'

'I don't think there is any more Andrea.'

'What! Why the hell not?'

'She's finding me difficult to live with me. I was wallowing on what had happened with me and you.'

'Oh you didn't.'

'I did, plus we had some hiccups along the way.'

'Hiccups?'

'Another day yeah?'

'Okay.' She said and they danced for a bit more before returning to the table. 'Where's Reid and JJ?'

'They've gone... wanted a chat.' Emily said almost smiling excitedly.

'Finally.' Derek said and turned to Penelope. 'Baby girl, what do you want to drink?'

'Nothing strong, I think I'm going to head off soon.'

'I'll take you.' He almost said a momentarily.

'No you won't.' She dejected his ploy.

'Fine let me follow and I'll be sure you're home.'

'Derek.' She started a little apprehensive.

'No that or me with you.'

'Fine.' She gave up and saw Derek smile largely and she felt overwhelmed by it, he really wanted to do this, he wanted to be near her and with that the feeling of lonely dispersed from her and then as she looked at everyone she realised that everyone was happier as they looked at the pair of them. 'One then I'm off.'

'So early?' Rossi said and looked at his watch. 'Oh okay, so coming up to 11 beats last time eh?'

'That it does.' Penelope quipped and settled into her seat relaxed for once, feeling immediately different.

When Derek came back he sat next to her and wrapped his arm the back her chair, a gesture none of them had seen in too long. Derek occasionally looked at Penelope, he now saw the pain and hurt radiate from her and he knew their relationship still had a lot to go through but if he had to be honest he wanted to be truth on all levels and that was that Andrea had left him because he spoke Penelope's name in the night when the nightmares intensified and his soul was crippled by the memories. Andrea knew he was in love with Penelope all along. Now maybe he might get his chance to speak those words he had kept to himself.

'Right you ready?' Penelope asked knocking him from his thoughts, she smiled a small smile at him and watched him nod and finish off his beer.

'See you guys Monday.' Hotch told them.

'You will boss man.' Penelope said with a genuine smile and a wink. 'See you guys next week.' She said and hugged Emily and kissed Rossi and Hotch's check. 'Have fun kiddies.' She quipped, aimed at Hotch and Emily. They left on the note of laughter.

'You're terrible you know that?' He told her as they approached their cars. 'You encourage them.'

'I try handsome.' She teased.

'Handsome?' He questioned at the nickname that made him feel like he hadn't heard it in light years.

'What about it?'

'I've just missed it.' He finally said as she unlocked her car. 'I missed you.' He said hugging her tightly, lingering a kiss in her hair that felt like the best thing in the world to him.

'Derek...' She started as she pulled away. 'I am sorry for keeping it all from you and you know you don't have to follow me home.'

'I know but I will.' He told her sternly. 'Now in you get goddess and lead me to yours.' He told her and waited for her to be in before getting into his. He smiled at her as she pulled out first, no more than seconds later he followed her and they drove the journey. He was lost in thought again at the traffic lights as they waited for them to change. He saw the green light show and clicked back to see Penelope edge forward slowly as she changed gears, he didn't miss the worn out SUV plough into the side of her, sending her flying.

Derek pulled the handbrake up and jumped out of the car, he ran to Penelope's little caddy amazed that it wasn't completely annihilated from impact like he thought it would've been. He wrenched the door opened with his entire mite and succeeded as the door came away twisted.

'Baby girl.' He said strained, panicking at the state that Penelope was in, her face all cut up, her arm bleeding heavily, her chest barely moving. 'Come on you need to open your eyes.' He said and with one hand checked her pulse whilst the other fiddled in his pocket to get a phone. He heard sirens in the far distance and looked up to see people helping out, he then heard Penelope groan. 'That's it look at me.'

He saw Penelope eyes open and the panic set in. 'What's happened? Let me out.' She said and released the seatbelt.

'Whoa... you need to stay still Pen... don't move, we don't know what injuries you have.'

'I'm so sorry.' She sobbed as the realisation hit and the memories of what just happened flooded back to her. Derek began to feel confused.

'What by?'

'Everything, I regret everything.' She said as her breathing escalated and he saw blood appear at the corner of her lips and she then coughed at the stress of her speech caused more problems.

'Calm down baby, I need you to calm down, helps on its way.' Derek then assessed the infamous caddy once Penelope was slightly calmer and looked under to see oil leaking out heavily. 'Shit.' He muttered, it was unsafe for Penelope to be left in the car; it was literally a ticking time bomb. 'Pen I need to get you out of here.' He went back on his earlier claim of keeping her still and saw she wasn't lucid so scooped her up in his arms, hating himself more as she groaned with agony. 'Almost there baby girl.' He spoke with the nicknames to calm her, all the time he was panicking.

He placed her down by his SUV and looked over him to make sure he was far enough away, satisfied he turned back. 'I'm sorry.' Penelope whispered painfully quiet.

'You've got nothing to be sorry about princess, nothing at all.' He watched her nod slightly and more tears came as she coughed again. Derek looked up to see more people gathered, a couple of people approaching him, the sirens still distant.

'What I... regret...' Penelope said and sucked in a difficult breath. 'Is never...'

'Save your breath goddess.' He interrupted her.

'No... I never told... you that... I love you.' She told him and her eyes closed and her rattled breath completely shut off.

'Penelope!' Derek said crying as he tried desperately to find a pulse, he couldn't find it. 'You can't die!' He sobbed as the sirens finally came and he knew they were too late. He sat cradling her body in his arms, kissing her head as though it would will her to breathe again. It was then that Derek regretted not telling her the same thing and now he never had the chance to do so.

Now they both had lost regretting something.

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**The End!**

_**A/N**__**:**_ Okay so deeeeepressing, but what the muse has, the muse gives! Don't shoot me, the mere messenger! =)

_**Not everyone's for the happily ever after!**_

I'll try and lighten the mood soon! Promise!

But I hoped you enjoyed all the same and this wasn't a complete let down!


	5. Needing The Regrets

Disclaimer: As ever I do not own Criminal Minds

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_**A/N**_: You didn't think I would really kill her and the not justify it, right?

_{Start is the same...}_

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Derek rushed passed the others, they knew that whatever Emily had to told him had worked effectively, Hotch wrapped his arm around her and kissed her as a thank you. 'Drinks in about 20 minutes Morgan.' He then called out.

Derek rushed in; skipping the elevators he took the stairs two at a time. When he made it to their floor he headed to her office, knocking lightly and then entered.

He approached her spun her around and pulled her up into his embrace, she felt stiff to him, not her usual relaxed self.

'Derek!' She exclaimed and pushed him away. 'What the hell?' She said sounding thoroughly pissed off as she finally broke away.

'Penelope why didn't you tell us?'

'Excuse me? Tell you what?'

'About you and Lynch.'

'There's nothing to tell, we're doing fine.' Penelope lied through near gritted teeth.

'That's a lie and you know it.'

'It's none of your business; I thought we established that one?'

'Well we didn't, this isn't over, we've got too much between us.'

'Oh what so a shooting, a near explosion, millions of girls from your angle and Lynch?' Penelope said matter-of-factly. 'Doesn't seem like too much to me.'

Derek felt the burn of her words. 'It's always going to destroy us isn't it?' He asked her. 'Battle is always going to be our barrier.'

'A lot happened between me meeting him and him dying Derek, I have to live with that.'

'And you think I don't? You think that hearing that the woman I love was going on a date, that she near enough hated me and then to make it all better she winds up in hospital after being shot and left for dead? So that doesn't affect me, and then I finally tell you that I love you and you return it and then Lynch comes along and I'm pushed to the back of the burner.' Penelope was crying as she heard from him what she had never heard about her shooting. 'You think that I don't wake up thinking that maybe just maybe you might not have survived and I'd have lost you for good? That you surviving is all a dream?'

'Why would you think that?'

'Because I'm in love with you silly girl.'

'You can't be.'

'And why the hell not?'

'Her names Andrea... you've been with her for 3 months.'

'Her names Andrea and I'm not with her.' He saw Penelope gawp. 'She's an old high school friend... I wanted you to feel what I've been feeling from you being with Lynch and I know it was wrong and cruel.'

'And it worked.' She finished off for him.

'Really?'

'I've always been jealous when you go off dancing with the attractive women, somewhere I'd never be and now what do we have left? Nothing because I let things consume me too much.'

'I want you to be there.'

'I don't want to be there.'

'Why not?' Derek said shocked and hurt at once.

'I don't want to be hurt again Derek.'

'That I can promise you I won't do.' He said taking her hand in his and he realised he had missed the touch of it all. 'Never will it happen because I've loved you possibly longer than I can ever think.'

'It might though... jobs might pull you away, life Derek might not want it.'

'Screw those jobs, screw life, I want this, I want you.' Derek said almost pleading with her. 'I just know I can't go on with life with you as my enemy or just my friend.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'll even go to Strauss.' He finished his declaration with.

'Wow.' She blew out with her breath. 'I never thought I'd...' She was cut off by his lips touching her in an intimate kiss, a prolonged kiss, an enjoyable kiss. They missed the knock at the door, they missed Emily and JJ open the door after several minutes.

Emily and JJ giggled like little school girls. 'Seems they have some explaining to do.'

The pair finally separated, and Penelope looked at them all bashful, her cheeks flushing red. 'What explaining?' Derek asked. 'See to me it looks really rather simple. Me and Penelope are together.'

'Simple as?' JJ asked warily.

'Simple as.' Derek confirmed. 'Now drinks yes?'

'Yeah we want the whole story Pen, even the part with Lynch.' Emily told her with an accusing finger and a playful smile.

'Whatever you want honey.' Penelope told her back and the pair left, she looked up at Derek, a smile on his lips. 'You know what I regret handsome?'

He smiled even more at the nickname. 'What's that?'

'That I never told you sooner that I truly love you.'

'I'd have to agree... but for that type of kiss, I think I can forget about those and lap up the here and now.'

'And the future.'

'With no regrets?'

'No regrets.' She implored with a smile. 'I do regret Lynch though... bit like a safety net.'

'Not to mention a geek.' He spoke humorously as Penelope shut down and gathered her things.

'I'm a geek though.'

'No way near a geek baby girl.... more a techno goddess.' He said and took her hand as she giggled at him. 'That's what I love to hear... that laugh of yours is catchy.'

'So is yours.' She said and then sucked in a breath. 'Thank you.'

'For what goddess?'

'Making me feel alive again.'

'I'm sorry it took all this pain to feel it.'

'I honestly don't regret it now... I have what I want.' She near enough whispered to him and he squeezed her hand in agreement.

They both had what they had regretted most, and that was each other and each other's love.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

**The Real End!**

_**A/N**__**:**_ Okay so that's my type of ending... the happily ever after ones where Lynch is gone and M/G have to admit it all!!

_**Of course M/G are made for happily ever after's in this world of writing!**_

Did I lighten the mood with the alternative ending?


End file.
